So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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