I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
