May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
