I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
