Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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