mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
