We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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