don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
