i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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