I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize