She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
