I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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