You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
