If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
