My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize