Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
50% drunk capacity currently
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
