just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
