True but thats because hes a fetus.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
