just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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