i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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