One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
