I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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