Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
