remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
