Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
