I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
