If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she looked like the before picture.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
