My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize