Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
