She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
