I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The air was thick with penises
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
