i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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