i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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