I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
