Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
