We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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