If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
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