so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
