Do you still have your period?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
