And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
