i think my mom watched the whole time
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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