I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
