You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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