FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
