I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I have aggressive nipples.
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