omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
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