Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
