For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
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