i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
