She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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