No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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