I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
