I like to think it a success when the cops are called
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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