life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
