Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
