I think I died a long time ago.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
