the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
