The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
